I want a Shirley Valentine Holiday to Greece

My relationship with Shirley Valentine started long before they even realised they were going to do a movie!! It all started many many…many years ago in Paris early one morning. Armed with backpack and train ticket I made my way down to ‘le pressing’ to fetch my friend Katrine Boutillier ( she has apparently since married into the Manoukian fashion family!!). I knocked on her door and that woke her…she was not ready to leave!! I saw a packed bag and a few things on the floor and she asked whether I could fit them into my bag? You can imagine my response…
“Absolutely no ways, if you can’t fit in your bag you just leave it behind!!!”

We had an exciting train ride to Brindisi. Katrine fell madly in love twice at first sight with Italians she could not understand and cried buckets each time at her loss when they left the train!! I had to ask always for “toilette” and cigarette” for her because she couldn’t say it in English. These are the French words written on the page just for your info!!! Of course by the end of my train ride my French had improved by double after spending a year ‘au pairing’ in France. I had the joy of translating every conversation that we had in English into French so Katrine could understand!!

We had much fun on our island-hopping-on-a-shoe-string-holiday. We slept mainly on beaches with a little knife down the side of the sleeping bag just in case!!! We fell asleep to the sounds of the small waves hitting the sand and sometimes that sound on pebbled beaches. We took a donkey ride up Santorini and enjoyed the night life on Ios. We laughed at the English girls who were always bright pink at the end of their first day in the sun and laughed at the Irishmen who wore socks on the beach. Those were the good old days when you woke up in the morning, went for a beautiful swim, changed into something light, left the back pack leaning against a lone tree or bush somewhere and you wondered into town for the morning to find breakfast and shop and returned to find your back pack just as you left it!!

We finally made it to Crete, the large island to the South of all others!! We found Panayiotis and Georgos very quickly or they found us!! This time we both fell in love madly – sun, sea and sex were the order of the day in that order I might add!!!

Sometimes Panayiotis and Georgos would have a day off work and Katrine and I would jump on the back of their 125cc’s and be driven to exciting places around the island. Sometimes we hitched ourselves around the island and that did leave us once in a compromising position – on a beach who knows where down a long windy lane with an old man!!! We no speak Greek and he no speak English but a common understanding of “take off your clothes and come swim with me” – had he been a Greek Adonis – who knows but he was just a dirty old man. Katrine and I looked at each other – absolutely no ways – we shook our heads vehemently and he promptly dropped our bags out his car - thank you very much for your thoughtfulness - and left us standing there with a long walk back to civilisation!!!

We finally had to leave Panayiotis and Georgos and make our way back to France. Buckets were cried of course from both of us this time as we caught the ferry back to Brindisi with absolutely no more cash and promises to return soonest!!!

I did return to Greece the following year much to the horror of the now ex boyf who had taken me 24 months earlier to Mykonos restaurant in Durban to break plates before I left!!! I of course had to go back and find Georgos who was now spending a little time in Northern Greece just after my Christmas trip home. I went to Khalkidhiki and skied in Mount Athos. I think it took me three hours to ski down my first slope without a lesson and no clue what I was supposed to do. I spent most of that time with bum in the snow and legs in the air – now I know what you are thinking but it wasn’t that at all. The only way to zigzag down the mountain and turn that corner was plop down in the snow and swivel me legs in the air to the right direction before getting back on my skis till the next turn.

We returned to Crete at the start of the summer and I found a job on a tour bus accompanying tourists from French and English speaking countries and a few Italians on a 5 day tour round the island of Crete each week. I loved that job and the people I met. I worked with Georgos the bus driver. I partied hard and worked hard but by the end of the summer I realised that lots of other girls had also come back to find their Georgos. Sometimes he was my not so dark Georgos and sometimes he was another Georgos but yearly visits from European and Scandinavian girls leaving husbands and boyfriends behind to find their Georgos seemed to me the norm. I laughed when I heard young foreign girls stop Greeks in the street and they would plead.

“I’m looking for Georgos. He has black hair and a moustache. I met him last night!!!! Half the males on the Island were called Georgos, they had black hair and a moustache!!!

This time when I do my Shirley Valentine trip to Greece I will most definitely not be looking for Georgos but hey what about Yannis… Dimitri…

For the sanity of us neighbours – just legalise it

I’m not talking good or bad, right or wrong or whether you should or you shouldn’t. It’s illegal – In this country it IS illegal!!!

People say it’s the oldest profession in society but that doesn’t make it right. But hey, people do it and they will not stop doing it!! - Paying for SEX

There were 3 girls at work in the house next door. I never saw them often. They came out to put the washing on the line in the morning and sometimes would get in or out of a car for a function outside of these 4 walls. I laughed at the one visitor as the girl would have to come out to meet him at the door of his car and then walk into the house in front of him. Sometimes he would come baring gifts – a box of donuts perhaps.

In the last 2 weeks before they finally moved out there were 4 raids on the establishment. Some policemen spoke to the ADT guards in our road and apparently some dagga, some pills and a person with expired papers were found. Duck tape was also found which usually points to packets taped up and placed in a garden. If they are tending a garden it is only for show and the place were illegal substances are kept! All these aspects were denied during the course of the next week. The pills were Chinese medicine apparently – maybe to help that lift that was needed coming from their loins!! One policeman admitted he didn’t want to arrest the Taiwanese pimp because he was such a sweet man and couldn’t possibly be doing anything wrong!!!

All raids followed the same procedures. Loud banging on the door, a few grumpy shouts – I thought for my attention just to say ‘we are here’ – a walk round the garden where the vegetable patch was overlooked and what then looked like a search which I could only see happening in the kitchen. The rest of the house windows covered in thick red drapes was impossible to see. This then followed a fair long time of talking and laughter and then finally the police would leave with no one in hand cuffs. The neighbours finally left just over a week ago. I thanked the police profusely as I have finally got my life back and can sleep at night without being woken by cars and talking all day and all hours of the night! I did however express concern that not having been arrested they would just move the operation somewhere else and some other poor unsuspecting neighbour has just started their nightmare living!!

“Well as long as it’s not in our jurisdiction, we are happy and it becomes someone else’s problem”. Yes you heard right and that’s the policemen’s answer to the situation!!

These policemen are playing cat and mouse getting these establishments out of their areas into other areas and of course the same problems start again. What a waste of police money, time and energy raiding brothels for show with no arrests but to appease the public that someone IS doing something to protect us! No wonder there is little room for descent salaries after all that!!
Oh I almost forgot! They are shown appreciation for there brave raid actions by also being allowed to lurk down those very same passageways where the public were too!!

I have lists of number plates and pictures of number plates all handed to the police, the brigadier and my lawyers. No one really cares about these illegal acts and no one does anything about those visiting!

I would break up with my man if I found out he was visiting a prostitute and I knew about it. I would prefer my man to have an affair! For me the lesser of 2 choices I would not want to make but if I had to…I know that an affair means he might give up some part of his heart and soul but living next door to a brothel gave me a totally different perspective!!

No matter how far I think I’ve come since my Catholic school upbringing and no matter how broadminded I think I have become I obviously just don’t get it!!!

These men were fat, skinny, dirty sweaty, clean, rich, poor, bald, greasy haired, Christian, Jewish, Hindi, Moslem and probably some atheists thrown in too!! They arrive in the latest 4 by 4 models, BMW’s and the real old ‘skadonks’ that you can hear a mile down the road and you just know that noise is going to get louder and louder until it stops with a rattle and a shudder in the driveway next door. They arrive 1 to 4 men in a car 3 to 4 cars parked outside at some given moments (remember only 3 girls inside) and they go inside to poke it into the same limited space one after the other maybe even together – who the hell knows.

Some men stay for 15 minutes and would be called premature ejaculators – but in the brothel who cares!! Some men stay for close on an hour and you can just imagine all that grunting and snorting and sweating and then the next man walks in!! What’s a little bit of shared sweat between strangers huh!!!

At this point the clean or unclean methods respected in different cultures and religions are thrown out the window. No one seems to care whether those before eat beef or pork or mixed meat and milk in the same saucer, whether they are alcoholics or smokers! The desire for illicit sex is obviously so strong that they don’t care about what ever it is they are anti in the real world and are just happy to go lurking in passageways that hold proteins of all food types and behaviours - There’s definitely no time for cleaning in between each act !! They don’t care!! They paid for it and their wives and religious leaders just don’t know!!! The Catholics would leave and say a Hail Mary or 10, I would think - but the others I’m not so sure what their religion would require!!

It’s quite funny actually but it’s the only time when all people of different religions, races, creed, cultures and colour all meet in the same place and are happy to share!! The real rainbow nation!!

If I was a prostitute – I’d make them pay big, I mean real big! As much as I find the above conduct unbecoming of any man I think we should all fight for it to be legal. That way the police would not waste time and energy on farce raids. They could move into a red light district and leave us neighbourhoods alone where we the women and children hang out!! The brothels can be taxed for all the cash they get paid and help pay toward this economy. The prostitutes could get regular AIDS tests and like America if they have AIDS they are out!! I don’t care much for the men getting Aids but I do care about those poor unsuspecting wives they go home to and those children that would be left behind!!

For the sanity of us neighbours – just legalise it!!!

So Paul or no Paul – Well done to the Sharks!!!

I wonder what Paul the Octopus would have predicted on the big shark WP game yesterday. Had he lived in his natural habitat and seen Sharks in action maybe he would have gone for the clam under the less offensive blue WP colours. Quite frankly I never did understand this whole Paul the octopus thing and before I even got to understanding – it’s dead. My fascination is with those people who would want to fly it as an esteemed guest from Germany to Spain to honour the fact that he ate a clam under a flag and in so doing predicted a match win.

What would have happened to dear Paul after the match had he chosen the clam under the German flag before that fateful semi final when they lost to Spain!!

An Octopus has a fairly short lifespan of 2 and a half to 5 years depending on the species and in this time females can lay up to 100 000 eggs. The octopus is considered by some to be the most intelligent of all invertebrates!!!

The octopus Paul, who lived in the Sea Life aquarium in Oberhausen Germany, was born in Weymouth, England in 2008. He was called a traitor to England when he apparently ate the clam under the German flag predicting that Germany would beat England during the Soccer World Cup!!

For the prediction, two boxes were lowered into the salty soothsayer's tank, each containing a mussel and the flags of the two opposing teams. Astonishingly watched by a myriad of reporters, Paul would head to one box, wrench open the lid and gobble the tasty morsel and that country represented by the flag under which the box was placed was predicted the winner!! This two-year-old octopus that had been likened to having possible psychic powers turned into a worldwide celebrity for accurately predicting the winner of Germany's five World Cup wins as well as their two defeats. Paul also tipped Spain to beat Netherlands in the final!! Some of his predictions were hence carried live on rolling news channels in Germany. He was even given a replica of the World Cup after the final as a reward for his perfect eight-for-eight record in picking matches as camera crews watched!!

And it’s actually been said - "There's no rational reason why he always got it right!!!" Are we even questioning that he got it right or that he happened to eat a morsel!!

Can you believe that even bettors from around the world made small fortunes based on Paul's uncanny picks, said Graham Sharpe, media relations director at William Hill in London, one of Britain's largest bookmakers? Sharpe said he had at first been sceptical about the oracle octopus. But he soon became a believer.

"I suspect that Paul's predictions could have made about a half a million pounds," Sharpe said, adding he estimated William Hill paid out £100 000 pounds on his picks at its 2 300 outlets.

"We had people coming in asking who Paul had picked before they placed their bets," Sharpe said. "I'm sure there were a lot more people too who were too embarrassed to tell you they made their bet based on what the octopus said." But he kept getting it right," said Sharpe.
"I've seen a lot of things in my lifetime but this is the first time in 30 years I've ever seen people making their picks based on what an octopus tells them – a non-human tipster," Sharpe said that anyone who had placed a £10 accumulator bet on Paul's picks from the start of the World Cup would have won £3 000 by the end of the tournament.

Sharpe said he, unfortunately, did not follow Paul's advice. He deemed it too embarrassing and said he was going on holiday soon to the seaside where he intended to eat as much octopus as he could possibly cram down as revenge!!

Some Germans where upset at the treachery of their octopus Paul predicting Spain would win and with people threatening to eat him, Spain’s Prime Minister Jose Luiz Rodriguez Zapatero called for octopus bodyguards. – I ask any sane person out there to relook at this statement!!! And on top of that Spanish Industry Minister Miguel Sebastian called for the creature to be given an "immediate" free transfer to Spain to "ensure his protection." A businessman from Spain also offered €30,000 ($40,000) to buy Paul, but Sea Life declined. I bet they are kicking themselves now. They would have €30,000 in the bank and that business man would own a dead Octopus!!

The madness didn’t end there - the world's most famous octopus had also joined several other prominent English stars David Beckham, Rio Ferdinand, Lewis Hamilton, Noel Gallagher and Sting in supporting the English 2018 World Cup bid because he was born in England. Are we supposed to take these people and this bid seriously!!

Paul’s fame was short lived when management and staff at the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre found he had passed away overnight of natural causes. The high life and fame definitely did not prolong his life!! Within an hour of his death, more than 150 messages of condolence were posted on Paul's "official" Facebook page.

In Argentina they tried similar predictions by using Sayco the dolphin. A psychic parakeet in Malaysia picking Spain and penguins picking Durban July winners!! They even tried to get a shark in the aquarium in Cape Town to predict a WP win over our men in Black. I ask you, using a shark to eat the food from a man in either WP or Natal colours!! Tempted fate they did by using a Shark!! They didn’t tell you did they that he nearly gobbled the WP man and the food all up!! – If only they had used another sea creature then maybe WP might have won!!!

So Paul or no Paul – Well done to the Sharks!!!